Hi there, Xu “Fabulously Wealthy” Fang here with an important message from the Double Standards Agency!
Some Netizens have recently been flooding my already overstuffed inbox with queries on the latest environmental “disaster” in Jilin.
“Emergency workers discovered that more than 7,000 chemical buckets had been washed into a major river in northeast China, six times more than yesterday’s initial findings, authorities said today.”
Now what has really got everyone’s knickers in a twist is the following statement:
“The water quality of a northeast China river tested clear today, a day after floods swept thousands of containers full of chemicals into the waterway, said a government spokesman.”
The question everyone seems to be asking is “How can it be possible to safely drink the water when thousands of chemical barrels have been swept into the river?”
Of course, my un-learned friends, you have as always missed the real question:
“Is a 3 day Expo Ticket good value for money?”
The answer? Absolutely!
I hope this clears up any confusion.
So you may well have heard of the “Three Gorges Dam”, a large structure built to control water flow round these parts…
…what you may not have heard is that peeps down our way are getting a leetle bit worried about its capacity for holding back the recent torrential rains and flooding.
Clickety
So we got our friend A. Paid-Comment to lend us his views:
“Oh yes, three gorgeous dam very best! Stand up to everything: water; lightenering; wicked capitalism of degenerate Western!
Best example China engineering since great wall invented by Confuschias 5 million year ago, while degenerat Western still eating grass and live in trees!
All hail three gorgeous damn!”
Indeed.
Nope. Nuh-uh. Not even if you pretended there was chocolate.
The only thing inside was an enormous, sweaty looking fat guy, with a big grin sitting there on a bike making kissy faces.
IT SIMPLY WASN’T HAPPENING, DEREK.
This is the big one. Someone messed up bad.
For those of you who can’t read Chinese it says “Expo 2010 Shanghai, next year visit the World Horticultural Expo in Xi’an” – found on Line 7, if you’re interested.
Or rather, that’s what it would say had someone not taped over the “2010″ part.
Because we ALL KNOW that there is LITERALLY NOTHING after October the 31st and the END OF THE WORLD EXPO. That’s right, as of 0:01 am on November 1st 2010, the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE will begin.
Seriously guys, really? Are you honestly telling us that you’re so uptight about the Expo that there is to be no official mention of anything happening after its end? Rly? Do you genuinely believe that more people are interested in flowers and junk than are interested in your ENORMOUS WHITE ELEPHANT?
You remember the Gulf oil spill in the US? Do you remember how the Chinese press were happy to villify the Evil Americans and their thirst for wicked oil?
Oh, the Americans! So hungry for oil! They pollute everything and everywhere with ther evil…
…what? This is happening in China now?
…oh…
Er…
It’s a sign of progress! How far China has come! 5000 years of civilisation!
But don’t worry, “Vice-Premier Zhang Dejiang rushed to the scene on Friday night to direct operations.”
Thank goodness! No doubt his degree in economics will come in handy when directing professional clean-up workers.
A recent chemical waste spill has raised the suspicions of local residents – particularly after officials declared the water “safe”.
“Many of the 60,000 people whose water sources were affected by the spill say they still fear drinking the water as the river color remains a chemical blue and the water gives off a foul smell.”
Blue colour? Foul smell? Sounds perfectly safe! We don’t know what the fuss is about!
“If the water poisoned fish, how can I be sure that the water is safe for people? I am afraid that even groundwater was contaminated,” Said a villager.
Oh, don’t worry! If the officials say it’s safe, then it must be safe! In fact, we know the perfect way to make sure the drinking water is safe: make officials drink nothing but the river water for the next two weeks, then we will all know for sure!
In fact we already enlisted the help of A. Local Official for help in drinking the water!
“Shocking, shocking… unfortunately I won’t be able to drink the water as I’m off on a junket to Australia, er, I mean, I’m occupied with official business.”
Wonderful news for Beijing residents! A new public relations branch has opened to deal with all your concerns! Rejoice!
“Fu Zhenghua, director of the bureau, said at a press conference that the police are facing more challenges and pressure when trying to influence public opinion on police-related news”
Ah, now… there’s your problem. It’s not really the job of the police to “influence public opinion” is it? It’s more a case of “protect and serve”, don’t you think?
“With the help of modern technology, we can communicate and exchange information with people, which will help us build a good image and win support and trust from the public,” Fu said.
Wonderful! So instead of doing your job properly, you can just tell everyone you’re doing your job properly on the internet – they’ll be sure to believe you!
China went to the World Cup! Chinese made condoms, see?! Vuvuzelas too!!!!! SEE?!!?!? China SO went to the World Cup!!!!!!
Guys, seriously, it’s time to get over yourselves:
You didn’t go to the World Cup because your football team is shit.
Nobody missed you at the World Cup either.
Blaming the system is sour grapes, because the DPRK got there, and they’re a bunch of amateurs who have never left the country.
More people are interested in the World Cup than the Expo, bad luck.
In conclusion: No, China, you did not go to the World Cup. Now shut up about it.
With usual jingoistic panache, the inimitable China Daily presents the news that China is home to a large, floating population.
Bit harsh, really, don’t you think?
China and the Chinese have their detractors, but claiming nearly 20% of the population are floaters is too mean.
“Following better education, the group also has stronger rights and greater expectation of the development in big cities.”
Yeah? Did anyone ask them that?
From the bowels of the Shanghai Daily
“BY next week, Shanghai could be facing the same scorching weather – with the mercury nearing 40 degrees Celsius – that has gripped northern China, the weather authority said yesterday.”
Oh, joy. As if the A/C on the Metro wasn’t cold enough, as soon as the heatwave kicks in we will start to turn everything all the way down to “Arctic Winter” just to escape from the heat.
And then people will look at us funny for wearing a woolly hat on the trains.
IT’S COLD, DAMMIT!
We don’t stare at you in your string-vest, coalminer shorts, black shoes and BLINDINGLY WHITE SOCKS.
Though we should.
