The less fatigued of you may well remember the Wenzhou Train Crash that people got really, really angry about, but basically forgot about a week later.
Anyway, so the report on this is “forthcoming” with the outcome somewhat in doubt.
So, we at the Big C have decided, as usual, to engage in wild speculation as to their conclusions. And, as a first, we’re offering odds on the cause of this nasty little disaster:
Undefined “Human Error” But Definitely Not The Fault Of Anyone In The Party – 13/5
Vague Allusions To “Equipment Failure” But Not Equipment That Was Manufactured In China – 9/4
Splittest Forces Trying To Drive A Wedge Between Wenzhou And The Mainland – 3/1
Splittest Forces Loyal To The Dalai Lama Clique – 5/1
A Small Group Of Troublemakers – 6/1
Imperialist Forces Bent on Containing The Rise Of China – 10/1
Evil Former Aggressor Japan – 20/1
Systemic Failures of Inspection, Quality Control, Bribery, Corruption, Greed – 10,000/1
Distribution immediate fullwise:
Mighty Chingsoc makegood promise increase windpower double by 2015. Doubleplusgood!
“China’s wind power generation capacity has neared 40 million kilowatts, and it is under way to meet the goal of doubling the figure by 2015, according to an industry report.”
Credit must go to The Party for this – without them, China’s wind power industry would be rooted in the dark ages. But thanks to the bafflingly massive volume of hot air produced by The Party and those cretinous windbags at the Zhongnanhai, China is on track to become a wind-only power. Here’s the breakdown:
Chinese President Makes a Speech About How China Has 5,000 Years of Culture: 1 Million Kw Produced
Chinese Foreign Minister Claims The Whole Of The “South China Sea” Has Always Belonged To Them, Like Forever, Even Before The Crust of the Earth Cooled: 15 Million Kw Produced
Editor Of The People’s Daily Writes An Op-Ed Echoing Party Sentiment: 20 Million Kw Produced
Interior Minister Blames “The Dalai Lama Clique” For All Of China’s Woes: 4 Million Kw Produced
“Surveillance camera footage posted online earlier this month showed three white men in their 20s wearing suits and ties take the reservation book from the Da Marco Italian restaurant in Changning District.
The book was given back on October 20, three days after it was stolen, said a manager at Da Marco known as Pola.
But while the book was returned, many of the 300 or so customers whose names and telephone numbers it contains – including many expats – are concerned the gang may have copied their details.
There is speculation the men worked for a cold-calling company, and it was reported that reservations books were stolen from other restaurants around the same time.”
Oh, lordy! Just imagine if these numbers got into the hands of cold callers! We have a fictional transcript from a call made to a male customer surnamed “Ng” after the theft:
====OFFICIAL POLICE TRANSCRIPT====
Ng: “Hello? This is ***** Ng, big important Editor Man of local magazine **** *******”
Thief: “Sir, my name is A. Nonny-Moose, and I’m calling to enquire about a problem with the Da Marco restaurant in Changning.”
Ng: “Oh right, what’s the problem?”
Thief: “Da Marco is a bit shit. Couldn’t you afford a better place?”
Ng: “Well, I um… really, er… hah… um… it was free, y’know, because I’m such an important guy.”
Thief: “I thought important people went to places that weren’t a big load of old wank though?”
Ng: “Now, listen here just a minute, I could have your business badly reviewed, you know!”
Thief: “Yeah? Assuming you had a spine.” *click*
====TRANSCRIPT ENDS====
In summary: people are less worried about being cold-called by expat financiers or property companies, and more worried that someone will phone them to say “Ha. Ha. Ha. Da Marco is a shitty restaurant and you’re a wanker.”
Drunken police van driver kills 5 in Central China.
Whoops. That’s a bit like dividing by zero, yeah?
“Shit, Hongjun, here come the police, hide the vodka! Pass me the breath mints!”
“Evening gents, saw you swerving all over the road back there. Been drinking, have we?”
“No, officer.”
“Well, why the fuck not? It’s a party boys! Wahey!”
“On a scale of one to ten, this machine tells us how rat-fuck drunk we need to get. It’s pointing to eleven. Shit, that’s not good, luckily I brought some mother-fucking paint thinner with me!”
According to a news report there are more than 100 million mentally ill people in China.
“Statistics released by the Chinese Center for Disease Control and Prevention in 2009 show 100 million Chinese suffer mental disorders, with at least 56 million mentally ill people across the country unable to get access to proper treatment.”
100 million, eh? We had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA that the Chinese Communist Party had grown so big! Congratulations!
Armageddon is here! Fear and pain! Cats and dogs living together! Fire raining from the sky!
The majority are taking over!
At least, online, that is.
“And you don’t need to look far to find other examples. The micro-blogger Baby Guo Meimei sparked public outrage when she flaunted her wealth online in June, while claiming to work for the Red Cross Society of China. Since then netizens have been obsessed with her private life, and micro-bloggers keep posting updates of her whereabouts. Any voices speaking out against such “public opinion” are relentlessly criticized or assaulted. In the micro blog world, people seem to see issues as black or white. “
Well, let’s be honest: Guo MeiMei put herself online flaunting her wealth in the first place. What did she expect? “Well done, you’re so lucky, we all really wish we were you”? Stupid people need to be removed from the gene pool.
“The positive side of this has been praised enough and I don’t want to repeat it. But we also need to examine the downside: Self-proclaimed online arbiters of what is right and wrong form another type of despotic rule running roughshod over opinions that don’t match their own.”
A bit like the CCP then. When every anti-government opinion is “rightist” “imperialist” or “anti-China”. They are the “Offline Arbiters” of Right and Wrong.
“Without knowing enough details and without any serious thought, they pronounce their judgments as the opinion of the “majority”. “
CCP? Come on, Xu Xiaomin, you can’t really be that fucking stupid, can you?
We asked A. Local Official for comment:
“Terrible, terrible. The majority speaking out? Riding roughshod over people without thought for feelings or position? That’s OUR job!”
“But about burying [the train car], [the people who picked me up from the airport] gave this explanation. Because the scene of the rescue was very complicated. Below was a quagmire. It was very hard to perform rescue operations. So they buried the head of the car underneath, covered it with dirt, mainly to facilitate rescue efforts. Right now, this is his explanation. Whether or not you believe it; either way, I believe it.”
-Wang Yongping, Big Lying Bastard.
Well, that clears everything up then!
We should all believe Wang Yongping. Why?
Because his father is Li Gang. Whether or not you believe it; either way, I believe it.
MiniTrue Bulletin Distribution Immediate Fullwise.
Like a flaming sack of poop on the porch, we’ve hit the Internet with our Italian loafers and finally joined “The Tweeter”.
You can follow us @ChingSoc
Directive Dated 28/07/1984 2011
Ref: New Unperson.
MiniTrue reports all refs re Unperson “Yang Feng” to delete rapidwise. MiniLuv suspect ThoughtCrime doubleplus ungood, remove all reports on individual fullwise.
Original Report Follows:
“Yang Feng has had many reasons for mourning since a bullet train crashed into the rear of another bullet train on Saturday in this city.
Among the 39 confirmed victims of the accident were Yang’s 29-year-old wife, 52-year-old mother-in-law, 31-year-old sister-in-law and 3-year-old nephew. His wife, Chen Bi, was seven-months pregnant with a boy.
On Monday, Yang said he is now most interested in knowing the cause of the crash rather than in getting monetary compensation for the loss of his loved ones.
In an interview, he cast doubt on the way authorities had gone about rescuing victims of the crash, saying the work had not begun soon enough and had not lasted long enough. He also had questions about his wife’s face, which had been disfigured. He wondered if that was caused by the crash or by the mechanical diggers used in attempts to rescue the victims.
Yang, together with about 100 relatives of other victims, sat in front of a Wenzhou government building in silent protest on Monday night, asking for a reasonable explanation of the accident.”
Goodbye, Yang Feng.
MiniTrue reports that new bullet train system to unincrease services due to EastAsia population spontaneous thankful decision to be health wise.
Translation for OldThinkers:
The Ministry of Truth announces that bullet train services are to be decreased in order to cope with the preference of the Chinese population for walking, as it is considered healthier.
